[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]
Grammar with an attitude
Hi folks,
In keeping with the recent thread, I thought I would share the advice
column I wrote for the recent issue of our newsletter.
Dear Miss Grammars:
Someone once told me that there is a rule that you can't begin a
business letter with "I." Is this true? If it is, why?
Flummoxed in Florida
Gentle Writer:
If there were as many rules as people claim, we would all have to
carry around guidebooks. So, no, there is no rule. Furthermore, can you
imagine why someone would think of such a prohibition? Miss Grammars
can't, but she fondly recalls several of her favorite missives that begin
with "I". "I can think of no greater tragedy than you overlooking my
application," and "I am deeply offended by your impertinent and
ungentlemanly requests for payment," and "I have never been, am not now,
nor shall I ever be a member of MCI Friends and Family."
Dear Miss Grammars:
I'm just a regular meat and potatoes, noun and verb kinda guy, but
I got something that's bugging me that I really need an answer to. How
come sports announcers keep using the present tense to narrate completed
action in the past? "If Deion catches this, we're tied." etc. What's up
with that?
Chapped in Champaign-Urbana
Gentle Writer:
Miss Grammars agrees; this strange and grating new trend is
spreading like ebola. She wouldn't want to credit John Madden and Mike
Ditka with too much syntactical sophistication, but she had to consult an
expert on this one. A non-native speaker, who therefore may have learned
English grammar in a school-like setting, in consultation with Miss
Grammars, has designated this usage the historical conditional present. We
know we are correct because our expert is German, and we all know that the
Germans invented verb tenses. At the risk of revealing her secret life as
a lady spud, Miss G. will attempt to contextualize and explain this
particular discursive phenomenon.
You'll notice that this use of present tense verbs is always
conditional, even when the conditional cue if is omitted ("He makes that
kick and we're in OT"). This narration often takes place while a replay is
rolling, thus strangely suggesting that this time we watch the events the
results will be different. This reminds Miss G of other features of
sportscaster idiolect that wrinkle her camisole. Why does one player
receive a pass while another intercepts it? Shouldn't he interceive as
well? Isn't audiblizing the same as, say, shouting? Don't get her started
on the use of defense as a verb instead of the perfectly suitable defend.
Gentle Writer:
Here in the product liability department of Blue and Becker we're
in an uproar and hope you can help. We can't agree on that and which.
Many of us think that consumers would be less likely to blind or maim
themselves if some whiches were replaced by thats in our manuals, but
others think that formal language always requires which. Help!
Sued in Sioux City
Dear Sued:
The choice of that or which has little to do with formality, but it
may have to do with liability. You must use that with restrictive clauses;
most writers use which exclusively with non-restrictive clauses. That
clauses are not set off by commas, which clauses are. Let Miss Grammars
explain. A restrictive clause defines or limits the word it modifies and
is therefore essential to the meaning of the sentence.
A hand mixer that is used as a personal grooming device will seriously
injure a consumer.
A restrictive clause contains nonessential information about a word whose
meaning has already been defined.
Our automatic shoe-dryer, which has been featured on the Home Shopping
Network, emits only low level radiation.
Miss Grammars sincerely hopes that her advice prevents even one needless
electrocution, and she'll leave you with these words to live by: Proper
grammar and careful usage can save lives.
Elisabeth Piedmont-Marton,Ph.D.
Coordinator
Undergraduate Writing Center
FAC 211
University of Texas at Austin
Austin, TX 78712
(512) 471-6222
epiedmontmarton@mail.utexas.edu